You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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