News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
