Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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