My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
