I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
