do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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