Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
This house was built for laser tag.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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