Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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