Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
