I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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