Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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