If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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