I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
