woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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