i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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