Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
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I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
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he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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