I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
