bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Terrible idea I love it
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
