i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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