she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
