I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
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Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
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I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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