Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Everclear isn't food dammit
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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