: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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