Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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