I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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