Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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