I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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