I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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