i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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