Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
