she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
