Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I am midnight drunk by noon
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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