I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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