i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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