I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
