Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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