in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
