My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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