I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
