I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
