this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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