Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
