lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
