"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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