she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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