I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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