11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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