I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
