i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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