I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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