my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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