I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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