plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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