I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
