Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
