So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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