did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
