i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
