I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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